Six weeks, five months and divorce not even final yet. These are the lengths of time between when a few of my boyfriends started dating me and when their previous relationships ended. In other words...I'm pretty good at showing up right when its pick-up-the-pieces time.
I'll admit, I haven't always been happy about that; about being the rebound. In fact at one time I had sworn it off completely. I became a big believer in
. But then I met him. He was neck deep in the rebound stage, yet so hopelessly irresistible. This one was going to hurt like hell but I knew I'd rather be his rebound than his nothing. I was gonna have to do some rethinking.
BEING A REBOUND SUCKS!!!
So, I
started TRIED to look at rebounds in a new way: when a relationship ends we are left holding a bunch of feels that we aren't quite sure what to do with. There used to be someone else there who not only created those feels with us but helped carry them as well. Now we're left holding them all by ourselves. It makes all the difference to have someone special in our life to help reorganize/carry them through this difficult time. This picture that my son made illustrates what I mean:
Of course, we can't ignore the fact that while you are playing this noble role of "human anesthetic" for another person...you have just opened yourself up to getting hurt. Hello...anytime you are someone's anything you are probably going to get hurt! Yes, feelings for that person will most likely develop and you may possibly suffer when they finally "wake up". That's why it is so important to go into relationships with eyes open, especially when one of you is recovering from a recent break-up.
Start by talking honestly about where everyone is on their break-up journey. But more importantly: LISTEN. LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN! Don't ignore the signs and messages that they are trying to send you, especially the ones that scream out: I'm still madly in love with my ex!!!! I know that's a hard thing to hear, but trust me, it's not as hard as hearing I told you so later on. Later on, as in, when everything blows up in your face... because you thought that surely after almost a year... you'd finally be the object of their affection...but you're not...
Give them credit for trying, IF they are actually trying. Look for things that indicate that they want to move on even if the process is slow and agonizing. If they still have pictures of their ex on display around the house or they keep a picture of where they got engaged right next to their pillow, then chances are they're not trying to move on and they are definitely not ready for you.
If after a couple of months, 80% of your conversations are still about their ex, I hope you are in it for the bike rides and Netflix binges. I hope you are in it because it's more fun to finish off a carton of ice cream with an accomplice than by yourself. And hopefully the sex is really good too. I hope you are in it for all those reasons; the fun, and the sex and the terrible dietary choices because if your are in it for their heart, you are going to get burned. Bridle that expectation, baby. Choke it to death, if necessary. Remember: Expectations do most of the driving and all of the damage in relationships.
So, why would you EVER want to be someone's rebound? Why not run the other way like so many recommend? Perhaps the relationship will actually work out. Maybe when they wake up from the anesthesia they will see that you are actually what they want...that you are more than a rebound. Maybe that will be the case, but please... don't expect it to be.
Okay, then what should you expect from a rebound relationship? You decide. I choose to be honored and curious... and maybe a little hurt. Okay...maybe A LOT hurt. I expect to have some great memories when it's over that I will cherish for life. And I definitely expect to be surprised. That just sounds way better than being afraid or resentful. Life is an adventure after all, and relationships make for the greatest adventures of them all.
Poor Design
November 2020
She would bring a fresh, clean towel and leave it right next to the shower for him. Otherwise, due to poor bathroom design, he would have to step out of the shower, dripping wet, and grab one of the hook from the other side of the room. It was one of her little ways of saying "I love you."
However, if he was distracted, he would not see the clean towel within his reach and he would step out, all wet, and grab an old one from across the room any way. She thought it was odd when he did that.
Then one day upon entering the bathroom (eleven months into their relationship) she saw a clean, overlooked towel still sitting next to the shower. She picked it up to return it to the closet in anticipation of his next sleepover.
Underneath the towel was his cell phone.
During their last "romantic" cabin getaway something new started to happen. It was called "him taking his phone into another room and shutting the door". She started a new thing too. It was called "asking him why he was suddenly doing that". He told her it was nothing to worry about and dismissed her concerns with "you can look at my phone if you want". Which she refused.
But now, on second thought...
An hour later, face wet with tears and heart torn from her chest, she selected and erased every text she had ever sent him from off of his phone. She then returned to the impassioned love letters that she had just read. Letters he had recently written to his ex wife. Letters in which he described her, his new girlfriend, as a "few dates that leave me feeling empty inside." She left those texts just as she found them, and then clicked off his phone. She drove over to his house and left it on his doorstep.
After the big
"I wasn't crazy after all" exhale, healing began for her. But not for him. He now picks up the pieces, when he should have just picked up the towel. When he should have just seen the love that was being offered him, the chance for a fresh start. The symbolism of the situation stings almost as much as the betrayal. Overlooking the new and ready; choosing the old and out-of-reach instead.
You Still Love Her
When I look at
you,
I see a
beautiful soul.
And when I read
your words to her
And take
myself out of the picture
Then of course
you would write those things to her.
Of course you
would feel the way you do
Because
beautiful souls love in a different way than the rest of us.
You gave your
body and dreams to have a life with her
Like a mother gives
for a child.
I know what
that kind of loves feels like
And I know it
does not go away.
You are right,
I am broken
But I am not
broken in the way you need me to be
You need me to
be broken like you;
Dedicated to a “Somewhere In Time” lost love
of the past
Because if half
of my heart is missing and unavailable
Then the remainder of it will fit quite nicely in yours…right next to her
Which would
work
Except for the
fact that she owns her half, and my half is only a lease.
I will always
be a common tenant working the land
And she will
always be the reigning Lord, overseer of both our fate.
And that just
doesn’t work for me.
December 2020
Famine
Your Goddess found the table
And brought you to it
And it is laden
And you are hungry.
But you won't eat.
Instead you cradle the pain,
While you wait for it to soothe you.
December 2020
And now it's time for:
The Part of the Blog Where I use a Music Video and Many, Many Memes to Provide Me with the Illusion that I am Completely Correct and He is Completely Wrong
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