It's two o'clock in the morning. I can't sleep. I have treatment number three waiting for me in a few hours. We are hoping for more great news like last time. Something like: "Wow...the tumor's completely disappeared...we can't find it anywhere!" would be nice. We are also hoping that appointment number three (for a second opinion) up at the Huntsman Cancer Institute actually goes through. We've had to cancel the first two appointments due to technical difficulties obtaining copies of all my scans at the hospital in Provo. Finally, they managed to get all 8,000 images on to CD's, they are in my purse and ready to go.
I did sneak a peak at them first. Gross. Ever seen inside yourself? I don't recommend it...but it does lend itself to an interesting analogy... I'll have to share it with you another time.
More than anything...and I mean ANYTHING, I want definitive answers to the question of whether or not it's in my lungs. I'm not sure I've ever prayed this hard for anything in my life.
Not necessarily praying that it's not there....that's a given....of course I don't want it there. The praying is for someone to be able to accurately and definitively diagnose the situation. Right now it's the not knowing that's killing me.
I snuck in to church for the last meeting today, even though I was already on my dexomethasone. Dexomethasone temporarily turns off my immune system, so my body won't reject the chemo. It makes your muscles feel weak, sort of flu like. I promise I won't do it again (church with no immune system, that is), but I just had to go today....I really wanted to teach my lesson.
The topic was on the Holy Ghost. The Spirit. The Comforter. It was an important message to me because having the Holy Ghost in my life, learning how it works, experimenting and trying out my faith in this magnificent gift has never failed to amaze me and as a result, made all the difference.
I know this will never change. In fact, I know that staying close to the Spirit WILL become more and more essential to anyone who wants lasting peace, lasting strength, and lasting love.
And I mean life-saving essential! I guess I'm really into finding "the real deal" these days. The "absolute foolproof, guaranteed perfect" solutions ...and boy are they hard to find! But not this one. With so much uncertainty in the world ...we all need to not only hold on to what IS certain....but share it and rejoice in it with each other.