Thursday, May 28, 2009


To a person that has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer (the "pink" cancer) and has begun to wear hats 90% of the time, it was quite a surprise to open up a Mother's Day gift from my sister to find a miniature pink Hallmark hat box with the words: The Many Hats of Mom. Wow! I knew Hallmark had a card for everything, but this was uncanny. Of course, further inspection of the gift revealed that this really wasn't a "cancer mom" gift like I thought (me and my one-track mind) but rather a charm bracelet with all the hats a regular mom wears (chef, chauffer,nurse, etc.). It is cute! And hey...who's to say that someday I won't find a charm for the cancer a nice wig or do-rag charm?! Thanks Cathy.
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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Ugly Part

Two sessions down, six to go. Second verse, pretty much same as the first. No celebrities in the chemo room with me this time, but plenty of heroes. Most importantly, I didn't freak out this time so I think I may be back in the running for the "best patient ever" award. Winner gets double juicy juicers and an autographed black and white glossy of the doctor on his yacht "Two More".

Just kidding.

All the same annoying and sometimes darn right painful symptoms. All the same selfless people coming to help us get through it. All the same prayers answered. Just two new side-effects that I'm having some issues with. fingernails are tender. Kinda makes typing a challenge and kinda makes me hope they're not next to fall off. Two....I'm so moody, like irritable moody! Sure, our freezer quitting on us yesterday and having to drag $200 of rotting food out of our basement was never really intended to create a zippity-do-da moment...but I was a downright monster! Like Dr. Laura meets Kate Gosselin kind of monster.

They warned me of this side-effect. Side-effects that spoil your day are one thing, side-effects that spoil your family's day are another. If cancer is ugly, and it is, this is the ugliest part.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

As a little girl I always considered one of the biggest tragedies that could happen in my life would be if I suddenly became allergic to strawberries. I loved strawberries, grew strawberries, and even got up at 6am in the summer to go pick strawberries. I still love strawberries and can happily say, not one allergic reaction.

However; doctors, gurus, nurses, health fanatics and trusted friends have all confirmed that my other favorite food fetish -sugar- is basically and undeniably "cancer fertilizer".

I have Stage 3 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. That's a tumor the size of an Oreo. Ya know....about as long as a Tootsie Roll Midgie? Have you ever just downed a spoonful of Nesquik powder without any milk? About that size. Do you see my dilema? I dont' just crave sugar....I think in terms of sugar!

I am in big trouble.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Yeah For Answered Prayers!!!!

Happiness today. My doctor said on the spectrum of successful chemo results and disappointing chemo results, my last treatment was on the highest end of successful that can be expected! We are having a wonderful Monday!

That good news beautifully piggy-backs news we received yesterday afternoon that Mark's brother and sister-in-law are going to be parents in September! We all have been praying since last May that the right birth mom and little angel would find Jimi and Sarah and were delighted beyond words to find out that that family will finally come together in a few short months!

God is good.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Aaah.....(that's "Aaah" like after a refreshing drink, not "Aaah" like screaming in horror). The past week has been a wonderful reprieve from illness! All the side effects of the chemo have left (well....with the exception of the hair loss). I can even drink water now without getting the heebie-geebies. I plan on FULLY enjoying this renewel of health until Monday when we'll start the whole "recover from chemo" process all over again. Scheduled misery... it just happens sometimes.

Spirits are generally up. I'm usually too busy to get discouraged. It's such a dark and heavy place to be anyway...why go there?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Don't Look Down

Last night while I was helping my daughter with her homework, I looked down at her worksheet and saw some of my hair laying on it that hadn't been there two seconds ago. I decided it was time. So for family home evening, instead of playing 'Balderdash' or 'Sorry', we played 'Sorry You're Bald'.

I thought the kids would find this quite entertaining, but they were actually rather somber. No one wanted a turn. We stopped shaving at mohawk stage and tried to tease it up for a picture to commemorate my good ol' punk days, but every time we pulled a spike up to rat and spray it, it just came out in our hands.

Everything was going well, I understood what had to be done...just like every other weird thing I've been through since March 27th. But then I looked down. I saw ALL my beautiful hair laying in a pile on the floor. Have you ever considered how much time and emotional energy you (women) put into your hair? (not to mention money), it was more than I could handle and I had to choke back the tears until I could run upstairs to my room. Mirrors met me everywhere and my good ol' friend denial was no where to be found.

Fortunately, my good ol' friend Mark was to be found and he stayed with me all night, through each emotional twist and turn. Don't know what I'd do without him. I love you Mark.
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Monday, May 4, 2009

Ready or Not

Which was it? The first or the second? Maybe the third. I don't remember... but I know it was way up there on the list of initial reactions to my cancer diagnosis: I'm gonna be bald!

Like most everything else cancer-ish, you really don't dwell on it that long, if at all. Denial is readily accessible and easily applied. Why waste such a gift? Why not go shopping instead? It's easier to think "I'm going to the mall and I might have long red hair when I come out" than it is to think "Oh my gosh! I'm gonna look like Yoda!"

So...I have collected three hats, and two wigs (still waiting to find that long red one). And not a moment too soon. It started to fall out Sunday. I could let it fall for a few days before anyone would notice, but it's hard to do your hair in the morning when you have to stop three times to clean the little bear cub out of your brush. Part of me wants to shave it off tonight and get it over with....but I'm not sure I'm ready. (or that I ever will be...)

I do live in the windy city of Spanish Fork, just a stone's throw away from the wind farm. How cool would it be to just step outside and have the wind blow it all away? Catch that on film and I might get to be on T.V. again! No...I'd probably just get arrested for indecent exposure.

Anyway....just have to say.....I'm a vain woman...and this is gonna stink!