Top 25 Random Things about Me...Then and Now

I wrote this in 2009, before my cancer diagnosis and divorce.

 

 1. I love surprises...love being surprised, love surprising others. 

 2. My perfect day starts with waking up early on a summer day in a cabin in the mountains. 

 3. I can sleep through almost anything.

 4. My dream car is a 1954 Chevy 3100 (stepside pick-up) any color.

 5. I am a germaphobe. 

 6. I was raised by the BEST parents in the world! (who are now the BEST grandparents in the world.

 7. I was interviewed by Greta Van Something live on FOX News. 

 8. Band-aid Politicians irritate me to no end.

 9. Road trips make me happy. 

 10. I have lived in 9 different states. Washington, Maryland, North Carolina, Utah, Colorado, Missouri, Florida, California, Georgia (in order of most loved to least) 

 11. I believe in mind over matter. I can go for years without getting sick. 

 12. I go indoor skydiving any time the opportunity presents itself, and some other times too. 

 13. I like to be on time. 

 14. I have won over $5k on silly call-in radio contests in the last ten years. 

 15. I have reported all of that to the IRS 

 16. I hate the IRS 

 17. I love the smell of hotels. 

 18. I coach basketball for 8 year olds.

 19. I think Jim Henson was a genius. 

 20. I am an optimist. There is ALWAYS hope, ALWAYS! Just wait. 

 21. I know that God lives and that His son is my Savior. 

 22. I want to be better about doing things His way.

 23. I'll take good memories over money anyday. 

 24. I am an audiophile. Give me 24 hours after I hear a song that I like and I'll own it. iTunes has made that affordable now. Thank you Apple! 

 25. More than anything, I want my children to leave my home as adults who know how to love people.

 This is me now. Some has changed, some has stood the test of time. 

 1. I love surprises...love being surprised, love surprising others. 

 2. My perfect day starts with waking up early on a summer day in a cabin in the mountains. 

 3. I can sleep through almost anything. 

 4. My dream car is a 1991 Jeep Grand Wagoneer, Dover Gray.

 5. I am a germaphobe but to maintain balance and not give up my power, I will often steal drinks from the cup of another.

 6. I was raised by the BEST parents in the world! (who are now the BEST grandparents in the world.)

 7. I was interviewed by Greta Van Something live on FOX News.

 8. Band-aid Politicians irritate me to no end, but I am NOT political anymore. 

9. Road trips make me happy. 

 10. I have lived in 12 different states. Washington, Maryland, Wisconsin, North Carolina, Utah, Illinois, Virginia, Colorado, Missouri, Florida, California, Georgia (in order of most loved to least) 

 11. I believe in mind over matter. I can go for years without getting sick, except I got cancer. 

 12. I play pickleball any time the opportunity presents itself, and some other times too.

 13. I like to be on time. 

 14. I have won over $5k on silly call-in radio contests in the last ten years.

 15. I have reported all of that to the IRS 

 16. I hate the IRS

 17. I love the smell of hotels. 

 18. I coached basketball for 8 year olds.

 19. I think Jim Henson was a genius. 

 20. I am an optimist. There is ALWAYS hope, ALWAYS! Just wait.

 21. I hope that God lives and that His son is my Savior, but I am wary of ANY religion. 

 22. I want to be better about living in the present with LOVE.

 23. I'll take good memories over money any day. 

 24. I am an audiophile. Give me 24 hours after I hear a song that I like and I'll own it. iTunes has made that affordable now. Thank you Apple! 

 25. More than anything, I want my children to leave my home as adults who know how to love people.

My Broken Umbrella

I should just believe you
When you tell me
That I'm beautiful

I should be mature
And confident
And past self-doubt

I should love me
Even when
I'm outnumbered by she

And you leave
And love
What I'll never be

I should
I can
And I do.

I can handle
Some rain.

But not
A typhoon.

The Big D

I am 47 years old.  For at least the past five of those 47 years, I have lived with a recurring mantra of sorts.  Maybe it was more like a silent threat.  Or was it a reassurance?  Whatever you want to call it...it sounded like this: I'm getting a divorce.

Like the Wasatch Fault Line, it lay hidden under an otherwise peaceful environment.  I heard it's rumblings several times a month but spoke of it to no one, ever keeping up the peaceful, happy landscape that was to everyone the essence of who I was.

Why?  You want to know reasons.  I have reasons, three of them to be exact, but for the time being...they are not what is important.  In fact, I would discourage you from asking the reasons for a divorce of anyone unless you are yourself entering a relationship with them.  They just took giant, courageous steps to leave their yesterday so they could have a healthier today.  Meet them where they are.  Help them now.  You can gawk at their back then's later...when they are ready to bring it up.  Instead, just know that it was a heavy, painful decision and one that, just like any natural disaster, will alter the landscape of multiple lives for a long time.

So the thing with mantras or promises or whatever it is, the longer you listen to them, the bigger and more powerful they grow until they manifest themselves like a magnitude 8.5 earthquake.  All the dirt, homes and streets will move aside to loose the monster.

And that's exactly what happened in my case.  I took the echoing four words that rang inside my head from ear to ear for years and I invited them to come out of my mouth.  I invited them to leave. They left my head and entered that of my husbands.  And of my children.

That was a year ago.

We have all since walked through the rubble.   This is critical information.  We WALKED through it, which means we are NOT lying beneath it.  We were not buried or destroyed.  Our futures are still wide open and ready to be whatever we decide to make them.  The pieces of yesterday stare back up at as we kick them around, but we decide if and how to use them and then we move on.

You are View-tiful

I'm sitting on the stoop of my duplex in my underwear.  I can't decide if this makes me trashy or classy.  They are boyshort underwear for your information, so as far as skivvies go...these could easily pass for exercise shorts.  But technicalities aside...I'm sitting outside on my stoop...in my underwear.

Let me tell you some more.  My stoop is in the shade of this enormous tree whose branches stretch out wide and low and that cover the entire width of a three car driveway.  So as far as stoops go, this one is pretty chill, both aesthetically and climatically.

I don't know what kind of tree it is. The leaves don't match the standard and easily identifiable shapes of the oak, maple or pine. It's pretty.  It's old. It's big and often messy.  I'm obviously no expert...but I think it's doing a kick-ass job of being a tree.  That's all I know.  Thank you tree, for being you.

Some people cut trees down, because they are messy.  Or because they block their view of something they would like to view. An old neighbor of mine campaigned to cut down a huge maple tree that blocked his view of the mountains.  The tree in question didn't just sit on my property next to my bedroom, it hugged my bedroom.  Branches from the same tree graced the window behind my bed as well as the window next to my bed.  Reason after reason as to why I would not let him cut down my tree fell on deaf ears until one day I simply said "You can't cut down that tree because every time I wake up and see those branches outside my window, I know God loves me."  The campaign ended.

He wanted to cut it down because it blocked a view.   How come he couldn't accept that the tree was a view? A perfectly good, useful view.  Who better to ask that question than nature observer extraordinaire himself,  Henry David Thoreau? He is quoted as saying "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

To be honest, I can't help but wonder if some people will want to cut me down because I'm blocking their view.  I mean right now.  If I post this, will someone be upset that I'm sitting outside in my underwear, and that I had the nerve to write about it publicly?  Scandalous, I know.  Will they want a different view of the world, where 47 year old women do not sit on fabulously cool stoops on lazy summer evenings and quote Thoreau on the internet in their undies?

Me and my tree. Not pictured: my underwear.

Of course they will. They (and when I say they, I mean WE) do it all the time.  We decide how we want people to be and then when they show up as just themselves; just old, big, pretty, messy themselves, we fire up the chainsaw. "Hey....you're blocking my view of the pretend people that I made up in my head.  Please don't be you right now."  Brrr...umbrumbrumbrumbrumbrummmmm.

But wouldn't it be more fun to find out why I'm out here without pants on?  Oh yes.  The answer is yes.  If you saddled up here next to Henry and I, I promise you'd have way more fun hearing my story than you would by merely walking by and rolling your eyes at me in disdain. Way, way more fun.

So back to my original question: am I trashy or am I classy?

My Aunt Holly says, "You are at your best when you are true to yourself.  Classy all the way."

So there lies the answer.  I'm not sure what kind of tree I am, but I'm me.  I'm a view.  And I don't know what kind of tree you are either, but it doesn't matter because you're a view.  And he's a view and she's a view and I'll be damned if we aren't doing a kick-ass job of being our own view-tiful little selves. Look at us being all classy and stuff.  And when you look at us, I hope you see a bouquet of incredible persons all ready to open up their worlds to you; give and receive light and love in ways unique to each of us.

So thank you, for being you. I see you, you're amazing.

Love Always Wins

I’m just a little

Freckle-faced girl

Who wears a scar

From a crazy home-base slide.

Who loves that scar

Because she played with all her heart

To get it.

You, you threw the ball

That put me there; pushed me there

Where I met me

Now I proudly wear

A jersey spun of sun and dust and grins

And though I've never played it
Without the pain

It's always been love

That wins the game.

Denial by Screen

Turn on the news feed
And show me
Something other
That what just happened.
Give me
A new reality
For what I can't unfeel
Or eyes unsee.

I'll take anything.

Where I'm Coming From

It's 2017 and I still think it's entirely possible that someone will want to steal my iPod Classic.  It's a 120 GB 7th Generation.  Yes...we're talking about this bad boy:

Did I mention that it's 2017?

You should also know that it took me over two years to try the bidet at work.  It's just that the words "learning curve" and "toilet" made me incredibly uncomfortable.  I don't know what I thought could go wrong...all I knew was that the darn thing had a control panel with more than one button and not one of them had the word "dignity" on it.   

Purge

And so tonight, I hope I cry
Push up, not down
The twisting knife
Go out; release; and let me free
Take all my pain, tears
As you leave.

Nothing is Gone

And so now it’s quiet

The rush has gone

It’s quiet

I look around

Hello me!

It’s just you now.

They’ve all lost interest

For some beautiful reason

Or another

A quiet phone

A silent app

A strong me

Thanking you for looking

For dancing; wanting and taking

And then leaving

Because now I know

That nothing is gone.

Hot Yoga

Thoughts on my first hot yoga class…

I walked out of my first hot yoga class tonight with double the not-quitter points. How did I manage to rack up so many not-quitter points in one night, you may ask?  Probably because I wanted to quit like, twice as much as usual but I didn’t.    Not once, not twice, but SIX times I wanted to quit and leave the class but I stayed until the very, very end.  I didn’t quit!  Did I mention that?!  I didn’t quit six times. That’s the most not-quitting I have ever done. 

So then I’m driving home from the yoga class and I start to feel so happy because the next day is Friday.  Only it isn’t.  Because it is only Tuesday.  Apparently, I had done so much work in yoga class that my body and my brain both assumed that that was it.  “Ok, good show people.  We have obviously just completed a weeks’ worth of work.  So, let’s hit the weekend and make it a great one!” Silly brain.  

Also, it's important that you consider yourself to be somewhat mature before you attend a yoga class.  You do a lot of stretching.  Standing and stretching, sitting and stretching, twisting and stretching.  STANDING ON YOUR HEAD AND STRETCHING.  It just seemed like there were just so many hands in the air all the time, reaching...stretching.  It took a lot of maturity on my part to not constantly be giving high fives to everyone.  Just so you know, don’t do it, just leave them high fives hanging.  Booty slaps, same goes for booty slaps.  Don’t do it.    

And it’s expensive. If I want to keep this up and keep earning double the not-quitter points, I need to find a yoga class for poor people.  Which is the most ridiculous problem to have because, wasn’t yoga like invented by really poor people?  In India?