The End of a Terrible Marriage (an analogy)

Got the papers today, the divorce is final.  The Jarmans relationship with the State of Illinois is officially over, we FINALLY sold our house!  Having never been divorced before,  I cannot authoritatively use this analogy, but I'm going to give it a try anyway.

Sure, the sex was good and we had our laughs, but now that it's all over and we've made our first AND LAST alimony payment ($23,000)* the regret has become a little difficult to ignore.  Hindsight is 20/20 and in some cases 3D.  The money lost is one thing, but living with consequences from decisions that we felt at the time were wrong, but that we went ahead with anyway...ouch.  Mega-ouch.

But on the other hand, could we imagine life without the "kids" (a.k.a. our new friends in Illinois) that are a direct result of this marriage-gone-wrong?  Doesn't that make it worth it?  Don't the good and in some cases, rather remarkable memories ameliorate some of the remorse?

Yes, actually...they do.  But here enters the least popular paradox known to human-kind; when an altogether awful occurrence has a somewhat splendid side-effect.   In such situations, time is your only friend.  Eventually, unless you are sick in the head, the bad will fade away and the good will continue to bless and even possibly, become the only reality you are aware of.

So today will....bite.  Tomorrow will hurt.  And it probably won't get better for a while.  But hang in there, it will get better.  (Thank you, Self....that's good advice, maybe today won't totally stink after all.)

* half of it taxes, the other half closing costs

Bug Guts and Big Buts

While driving today my windshield took out it's very first bug casualty of the year.  Splat.  A messy trade-off for finally having nice weather.

In other news...I got an email telling me that one of our biggest freelance clients (who still owes us $8k) sent all 600 of their employees home Tuesday and closed their doors forever.  Different dynamic, same effect...splat!

So as far as I can tell...I am out $8,000 and that really bites.  But...

I'm still better off than the bug.



 

What's Your Number? Part 2

0500, 0508, 300, and 166.  These are my numbers and here is why...

At 0500 (5 am) I woke up one morning, just as weary and discouraged as I was when I went to bed the night before.  I knelt down by my bed to pray, unsure if I'd even find words.  The words did come however and they pretty much consisted of: "Heavenly Father...I don't even know what to do any more.  I don't even know what to say." 

I followed my prayer that morning by getting up and checking my email.  At approximately 0508 (5:08 am) I found an email from a friend that had a scripture reference in the subject line followed by the statement 'it is true'.  There was nothing else in the email.  When I opened my scriptures to the reference, I found these words:   "...feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do."  For the rest of the day, I thought about my friend and his timely message and I had to ask myself: exactly who is this guy...and how did he do that?!

Amazed and completely rededicated to feasting upon the words of Christ, I resumed my life as usual. Little did I know, that another email would soon come and knock me off my feet.  Another dear friend, who is aware of my recent trials, sent me a little note to let me know that she and her husband wanted to do something nice for me but were not sure what I needed most.  After carefully contemplating what would be the greatest blessing to me right now, I responded with my request.  She asked how much that would cost and I told her $300.  She wrote back immediately,  completely awestruck.  Prior to asking what I needed most, she and her husband had considered just sending me $300, but had decided to find out what I needed first.

These events, both happening in the same week, were like marrow to my bones.  I felt renewed and humbled and I was ready to carry on.  Little did I know that there would be one more miracle. 
Miracle 166.

We have been attending a different congregation each week because we are technically in transit until our house in Illinois is sold and we can move into our house here.  We don't want to cozy into a new ward "family" just to up and leave again in two months.  We've all had enough 'goodbyes' for a while.

Just this past Sunday, while singing the closing hymn in a congregation in downtown Salt Lake City, it occurred to me that this was the third chapel, third congregation and third week in a row that we had sung hymn # 166; "Abide with Me."

"I need thy presence ev'ry passing hour. What but thy grace can foil the tempter's pow'r?

Who, like thyself, my guide and stay can be? Thru cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me!"

0500, 0508, 300, and 166.  These are my numbers.  They are mine.  God gave them to me so that I would know that He still cares for the 'one', even when that 'one' is barely strong enough to pray. This 'one' has decided not to give up on Him either.

What's Your Number?

On the first day of our family reunion, my little nephew was on his way into the living room, when he passed his uncle who had just walked through the front door.  They were both a little surprised to see each other and given the distance between their zip codes, it may have been the first time for both of them.   Little Isaac paused, looked way up at this stranger and asked "What's your name?"  "I'm Uncle John" came the reply.  "What's your number?" Isaac continued.   This is where everyone in earshot paused, trying to think of just what this little guy meant by his query.  Our musing diminished as Isaac added: "Mine is three." What's your number = how old are you; one of the most fundamental pieces of information to a three year old.

To an adult, that question could have meant any number of things; what's your phone number, what's your IQ, what is your Sleep Number, how much do you weigh, what size are your shoes (brassiere, pants, shirts), Social Security, license plate, driver license, PIN, password, cholesterol, etc. etc.  If not careful, you could actually need to have a HIPAA disclosure just to ask someone the question, "What's your number?"

Last week gave me a whole new set of numbers;  0500, 0508, 300 and 166.  These numbers rocked my world.  They definitely got my attention and most likely, have you somewhat perplexed.  And waiting on the edge of your seat.

I'll tell you about them later.

Move Over Bacon...

I am officially a working mom.  A nine-to-five, eat lunch at your desk, come home, make dinner and  stare blankly at your kids while they notify you of all that they still stand in need of that, by the way... only you can supply... working mom. They possess NO idea of how impossible it all sounds as it rolls effortlessly off of their little tongues.  They're so cute when they're clueless.  

The irony in all of this is really quite funny (not).  You see, my new job as an administrative assistant in this office requires so very little of me other than my presence.  In essence,  I get paid to be here and that's about it.  I answer a few phone calls but spend the rest of my time trying to find something, ANYTHING to do.  So ironic when you consider the hours of tasks waiting for me at the end of the day.

 So I have been reading Advanced Google Adwords by Brad Geddes.   Yup...a real page turner. I'm just bored enough and curious enough though, that I keep turning those pages. I'm learning all about Search Engine Optimization and Pay Per Click and I'm doing it because I really want to know if it's possible to get Rosemary Hawley Jarman to not be the Rosemary 'H' Jarman that pops up when I Google my name (yeah...like you've never tried it).  She's an author too.  I've never actually read any of her stuff but I think I would if I ever came across a copy. 

  In addition to my name twin, there's a blogger out there (not of the Rosemary persuasion) who has a blog name almost exactly like mine. 'My unintentional life' ...only with dashes between the words.  C'mon...name taken, move on!  Ever heard of a thesaurus?  Accidental, random, inadvertant, unexpected, extemporaneous.  These are all other words that she could have used to describe her life instead of 'unintentional', but hey... I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose. ; )

I should be easier on my blog buddy.  We have more in common than our title after all.  She too just recently moved back in with her parents.  We both walk the walk of shame each morning as we emerge from our basement lairs.  Except I do have her on this one thing:  at least I didn't bring cats with me when I moved back in.  That' something, right?

Less OK

According to "How to Train Your Dragon", if you fall off of a dragon, you will be OK, but if the dragon then proceeds to step on you, you will be 'less OK'.  That's where I am now.  Less OK.

We were admonished to keep a three month supply of money in reserve for emergencies; we did.  We were taught to not have any debt; we don't.  But even with all of those good financial practices in place, our financial everything still sits out in the cold, open air right now, with ravenous wolves eyeing it on every side.  And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.  Nothing.  There's always been something and now there's nothing.  Wait and watch and possibly.. wretch.

When Mark was in Desert Storm, it was the longest winter of my life.  There was nothing I could do about that situation either, but hope the phone in our basement apartment would ring at 3 am so that I could know that he was still alive.  We paid the phone company $1 a minute to talk to each other back then.  We'd talk until it was no longer possible to ignore the other soldiers in line, who were waiting to call their girls too and burn through their dollars as well.  AT&T definitely made the biggest killing of that war; but still to this day there has been no thrill in my life to match that of going from a state of sound asleep to hearing the phone ring in the other room to being in a full throttle sprint, as I tore out of bed and through our dark living room, grabbing the receiver before the sheets even had time to drop back down onto the mattress.

Eventually those frozen, overcast days of '91 started to melt into clear blue skies and the sound of melting snow trickling down rain spouts brought a new energy as talks of a cease fire became real.  To this day, the sound of melting snow trickling down a rain spout makes me want to skip like a seven year old. But for now, it looks like I've got another long winter ahead of me.  Again...there is nothing I can do about it and interestingly enough... I'm living in a basement.

   P.S. What do you do when your husband comes home from a war? I managed to set aside $400 dollars while he was gone so that we could do something special when he returned. We ended up buying him new clothes and going on a road trip to San Francisco with the rest.

Alive and Breathing and Thirsty

Breathe in.  There you go lungs...have some oxygen.  See how easy that was?  Breathe out.  And now, you get to live another two minutes.  All because you respirated, just like you probably do 20,000 times a day without even thinking about it.  Unless, of course,  you are sick or stressed out; in which case, you spend considerable more time appreciating this simple life function.

Today my mammogram technician was instructing me to breathe in and breathe out.  I wasn't necessarily stressed out, but a particular part of my body sure was.  I asked her if those instructions were meant to keep me from passing out, and she said that indeed they were.  Apparently she had two patients hit the floor this year because they unintentionally held their breathe during their mammogram.  Ouch!  (That's ouch before you even hit the floor, if you know what I mean, ladies.)  Then she asked me how I knew that and I told her that it was because I had passed out at the eye doctor once from unintentionally holding my breathe...before the exam even started.

For the record, it's 4:30 am and I woke up just to think about breathing.  True story.  Do you think I might be a little stressed out?

But I didn't get out of bed to wallow in my sad, sad predicament.  I could do that without leaving  bed.  I got out of bed to learn from it. What have I learned? Not much, really.  Afterall, it's only 4 am.  But I did find some really great quotes, so we're going to roll with those:

1. Laugh: "By trying we can easily endure adversity.  Another man's, I mean. "     Mark Twain

2.  Love: "We are all here for a single purpose: to grow in wisdom and to learn to love better.  We can do this through losing as well as through winning. All we need to do is show up for the class."                                            Rachel Naomi Remen

3. Pray:  "The long, dull, monotonous years of middle-aged prosperity or middle-aged adversity are excellent campaigning weather for the devil."   C.S. Lewis

 "Prosperity is the blessing of the Old Testament; Adversity is the blessing of the new."
                                                                                                                                        Francis Bacon

4. Live:  " I had thought joy to be rather synonymous with happiness, but it seems now to be far less vulnerable than happiness. Joy seems to be a part of an unconditional wish to live, not holding back because life may not meet our preferences and expectiations.  It has a kind of invincibility that attachement to any particular ourtcome would deny us. Joy seems more closely related to aliveness than to happiness."             Rachel Naomi Remen

5. Fight:  "He who does not tire; tires adversity."                       Martin F. Tupper

I'm far from feeling like super woman.  I don't even feel adequate.  But I didn't cheat death just to be defeated by life.  In addition to removing carbon dioxide, breathing results in loss of water from the body. Exhaled air has a relative humidity of 100% because of water diffusing across the moist surface of breathing passages. I'm writing this to remind myself that I'm dehydrated, not defeated.  The point is: I got out of bed because I was thirsty and I'm thirsty because I'm alive and according to all those smart, eloquant people I just quoted...I'm in good company and I'll be ok.

A bizarre and unexpected turn of events has rendered my little family out of work.  If you work in the video game industry, this is not unusual and we have endured it many times.  But like I said, this go 'round involves the bizarre and the unexpected; two elements that we are unaccustomed to and that are becoming rather bothersome. And can I just say that I HATE that we are in good company.  A toast to all of our out-of-work acquaintances.   May each of us soon find ourselves in someone else's company.  (Puns welcome, as any humor at this point most certainly is.)

We tried leaving the video game industry 8 years ago.  When I told my aunt that Mark had left the game industry, I either ran my words together or her hearing was failing her, because in a startled tone she replied "WHY WAS HE IN THE GAY MINISTRY?!"  

Well, no matter how you slice it; it's still a good question.

After leaving, we were happily self-employed for three years.  But then this old fetish that we have for steady, reliable paychecks and health benefits sort of came back and we fell off the wagon.  Mark interviewed for a job, almost out of curiousity, and was instantly seduced by the idea of being part of a creative team again and getting paid to work on a Snoopy title.   That little beagle is always stealing the show, isn't he?  But it sure was nice to be insured when the Red (or pink) Baron came knocking at our door a year later.

Now, from one day to the next,  I just hope that we have a door that can be knocked upon.

And... I am tired. And yes, after a year of one shoe dropping after the other....I am also a little scared.

Doesn't Hurt to Ask

If I keep all the crumbs out of the butter....will someone please come buy my house?   How 'bout  if I always put my shopping cart in that corral thingy?   No?   Ah-kay, I was just checking.

(How about a job.  Can I get a job if I do all those things? No?  Ah-kay, just checking.  I'll just be sitting here then...seeing as I've tried everything else.)

















Yep...still here.

Family Ties

My day officially begins with the sound of a door slamming.  No drama...it just swings on automatic hinges.  This signals to me that my two teenagers have once again, made it out the door (on their own) and are on their way, possibly still in their pajamas, to early-morning seminary.  In twenty minutes, they will arrive at church and study the New Testament with a dozen or so other LDS teenagers before their school day starts.  Any teenager is welcome to come study the scriptures with these kids, it's just that Mormons are probably the only ones crazy enough to do so. 

That's how my day begins.  I like that.  I am so proud of them for not only going, but for doing it all on their own.  Even if they discover that the car is out of gas, they still go.  They just take my debit card out of my wallet and leave me a note so I don't try to go anywhere without it.  Dedicated, thorough and considerate...what great kids!

My day officially ends with a sound too.  It is the sound of Johnny Mathis and Deniece Williams singing "Without Us", the official theme song for the 1980's sitcom, Family Ties.  Thanks to Netflix, we have all seven seasons at our disposal.  From the Keaton kitchen to the Jarman living room; it's our low calorie, alcohol free, nightcap of choice.

Before we started watching it (after we had finished all eleven seasons of M*A*S*H), I told my kids about how my family used to watch Family Ties together every Sunday night, on our tiny little kitchen TV, while we made waffles.  Move over Norman Rockwell, right?  Sounds downright cozy.  The only problem is...that wonderful, very real-to-me memory apparently only exists in my head.  All other sources say that Family Ties aired on Thursday nights.  What tha??? Hmmm.
All laws of grammar fail me; how can that be?

Nevertheless, the important thing is that it's a happy memory.  Accuracy is optional.